It’s Who I Am

We borrowed another post from Robin Townsend’s blog “Scribbles of the Heart” to get our blog rolling. Thanks Robin.

Wow. It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. Life has been busy with school, football and spending time with great friends. Decided it was time to put the pen to paper this morning and get some things off my chest.

I haven’t been able to sleep much the past few nights. Not unusual for me since Tony passed away but sometimes it’s due to being the worry wart that I am. I tend to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. It’s just who I am. I’m used to it by now. When you’ve been through grief like I have been, writing comes easy because you’re able to bear your soul and let others see what you’ve endured. We all go through pain, suffering and loss, but we don’t all grieve the same way. As I was pouring out my heart in words, I put on my headphones to my iPhone and just let the music play while I let the words flow. It was such a tranquil peace being able to get that off my chest, truly the best writing comes when in the peace and quiet you truly seek God and find not only yourself but His promises for your life as well.

I’ve often wondered lately and asked God, “what is it I am here to do, where do I go from here, what is my purpose in life?” I know that my calling is to be His child. I know that I am to bring others to Him. I know that I am to worship Him every. day. But what I truly was longing to find deep within myself was what was my purpose in a certain situation that I have been caught up in. One that no matter how hard I try I can’t walk away from, one that I feel God leading me to because it’s His choice for me at this time. Who are we to tell God that “we can’t follow His will because this person shuts us out”, is that truly being a Christian? No.

Through the peace and quiet other than the lull of music in my ears, God led me to His purpose for now. The task ahead of me will not be easy but the power behind me will sustain me. That’s all that matters. None of us have to go through life alone. And as Christians, we are NEVER alone but sometimes we need to reach out to others and be the light in their darkness. No matter how much we are NOT wanted.

I wish I could just not care. But apparently I don’t have it in me.” I’m talking about caring for someone who is struggling with something. Who despises me. A friend who seems to change moods on a daily basis, who at one time reached out and then because of mistakes I made (hey, I’m not perfect) slams the door in your face and chooses to be alone, or is afraid of reaching out for fear of what someone might say or for who knows whatever the reason.
I’ve said those words over and over the past few days, though not for the first time. I’ve said them before about two months ago.

I’ve been mulling over how to change things. Even started thinking that maybe I could make a difference. Silly me. But I wouldn’t give up because I know what pain feels like, I know what coping “all alone” can do to you. I’ve been there. And so it began. The interest and concern that inevitably lead to frustration and burnout. The passion that leads to heartache.

When I was in my 20′s, an old friend of mine told me that she thought the song, “Standing Outside the Fire” by Garth Brooks described me. In case you weren’t a country music fan in the early 90s, here are a few lyrics:

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned
We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned
But you’ve got to be tough when consumed by desire
‘Cause it’s not enough just to stand outside the fire

In looking back, I didn’t really know what she meant by that. I liked the thought of her thinking Garth sang about me, though, so I never forgot it. Then this week when I got all worked up over something I was told, and was driving home from football practice listening to XM, the song came on, suddenly, I remembered these words.
As a matter of fact, they ran through my head on a constant loop (complete with misremembered words and mixed-up verses) until I finally pulled up Standing Outside the Fire….

“We call them fools.” And later in the song, “We call them weak.” That is exactly how I’ve felt! Over and over, I’ve tried to rein in my emotions, not get involved and, in general, be “normal,” but I just can’t do it.

That’s not how God made me. I don’t think it’s any mistake that I’m a passionate person. The Bible says that God created me, that He knit me together before I was even born.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
~ Psalm 139:13-14

My inmost being? He knows it, because He made it. He knew – well before I did – that I couldn’t help but fall head over heels in love with Barbies, student council, singing, Tony, blogging, my boys. He knew I couldn’t stand outside the fire.

That’s not how He made me.

Diving headfirst into a fire of passion and excitement and dedication and commitment has often resulted in getting burned. And so, as new things arise, and trust me, they will, I’ll probably attempt to hold something of myself back. But I won’t be surprised – and I know God won’t be, either – if I end up jumping in anyway.

I won’t give up.
It’s how I was made.

My heart is bitter, angry and today doesn’t like this person very much. Yet even though this is “how I was made and who I am, I won’t give up but I will give in”…I am moving forward. Yesterday is over. Tomorrow is here.
I can’t and won’t make anyone accept me. If you don’t like me, you don’t like me, it’s your loss. If you can’t forgive and move on, again it’s your loss. I am kind but never mistake my kindness for weakness because I am NOT weak. I am a survivor. I will get through this.

We all struggle. All. Of. Us. It’s part of life but God also puts people in our lives to help us, love us and be there for us. If we choose to go through life alone and unwilling to accept others kindness, friendship and love than we can’t sit back and blame God or others for our problems, we must realize that what comes around goes around. Karma bites. It bit me. That’s okay because it’s taught me a valuable lesson, one I will never forget.

We all handle things differently. I’m okay with that. If we were all the same, life would be boring but that doesn’t mean we have to hurt the ones who help, care and love us. It doesn’t mean that we look around to find whatever we can to satisfy and quench our pain and bitterness. It doesn’t mean we knock one another down because of our trials….
It means that we must pick up our feet, hold our head high and look forward to what’s ahead, we can’t live in our present situation of doom and gloom, for God expects us to trust in Him, for He knows the plans He has for our lives and nothing we do or say can or ever will change that. We can’t run from God. Never. So, I accept His will.

I wait.
I trust.
I accept His will.

But they that wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

My eyes have been clearly opened this morning. I give up. I let go. I’ve done ALL I can do. My pain is inevitable but I will be okay because I’ve GOT this but better than that, God has this.